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Help...I Can’t

According to research in Psychology Today, approximately 15% of women report difficulties achieving orgasm and around 10% of women in the United States have never had an orgasm. Even for those women who orgasm regularly, the frequency is still only about 50-70% of the time meaning that even women who can achieve orgasm can have ongoing issues.

It might sound obvious but there are two elements required to achieve orgasm and they are arousal and relaxation.



Obviously, arousal can’t be forced but it might be surprising to learn that a certain amount of physical tension is needed for the arousal to progress the orgasm journey. Incorporating some leg, abdominal, and bum tension is something that many women explain is part of their orgasm experience. Furthermore, women report that the most orgasm-inducing muscle contractions are located in the lower pelvic area. Think of the vision of a woman arching her body during the moments of orgasm and this all makes sense! That’s definitely good tension!



While it might seem like a contradiction because we mentioned tension as part of arousal, the relaxation element of the orgasm process relates to the mind and the brain. Experts suggest that during sex, the best way to achieve relaxation for the purposes of orgasm is to only allow your mind to focus on the stimulation you’re feeling (whether that’s via masturbation or by a partner) and the sensations that it delivers. Thoughts should focus on sexual desires and energies and not negative thoughts such as the worry of not “coming”.You can also try few range of vibrators displayed below that helps you achieve orgasms.

Difficulty Orgasming - Possible Reasons Why?

So now we’ve established that it’s entirely normal to have issues in orgasming, we can look at some reasons why this might be happening and also move onto possible solutions...yay!

Reason #1 - You Don’t Know What Climaxing Feels Like

If you’ve never had an orgasm, how can you know what it feels like except for what you probably have seen in films, on TV or online. Being new to an experience will naturally bring trepidation, intrigue and basically a fear of the unknown.
Solution: If you haven’t tried it already, masturbation will help you understand what your body responds to and the more you understand what excites and arouses your body, the less nervous you will be about orgasming as part of penetrative sex. Masturbation doesn’t necessarily need to involve sex toys but they certainly can help to make it even more fun, along with lubricant which will make the experience even more comfortable. For a masturbation beginner, we recommend this vibe. If you’re looking for something to use on your clitoris and on your nipples, we highly recommend this stimulator which simulates the sucking motion of oral sex… we’re almost orgamsic thinking about it! Additionally, you can check out the different vibes displayed below used for clitoral stimulation.

Reason #2 - You’re Not Comfortable With Your Partner

Having sex with someone usually means you’re getting naked and if that’s for the first time in front of this person, it can be daunting and nerves can easily be at play. Sometimes if you’re not fully comfortable with a person, your body might communicate this in the form of an orgasm “block” - an inability to reach climax. It might be the case that you don’t know them well enough quite yet to feel willing to let go or there could be something in your subconscious making you unwilling to relax fully.
Solution: Take time to get to know a person until you feel 100% ready to take the next step to sexual intimacy. Not only will you then feel fully ready, you’ll also build some positive anticipation along the way which will likely heighten the excitement and the experience...hello sexual tension!

Reason #3 - You’ve Had a Bad Sexual Experience in the Past

Any negative sexual experience in the past might have an influence on your mind and create difficulties in focusing on pleasure. This can even happen when people think they’re “over it” so it’s definitely not unusual.
Solution: Obviously a bad sexual experience can be incredibly traumatic so it’s best to always seek professional medical advice to try to move forward. With anything like this, patience with yourself is also important.

Reason #4 - You’re Distracted

We’re a connected society where multitasking and busy lives are the norm. As a result, some people can find it difficult to “switch off” and stay in the moment. This can occur when we’re having sex and it’s almost a pressure to try to focus on the task at hand ie orgasming.
Solution: Focus on how your body feels as you’re getting aroused and really try to take in and enjoy those sensations. If you’re with a partner, focus on what is making them aroused, tell them how much you want them or describe what you’d like to do to them or what you’d like them to do to you.

Reason #5 - You Don’t Like Relinquishing Control

Some women genuinely don’t like letting go in certain instances and this can include during sex. They might have concerns or worries about their body image, about how they smell, about how they “perform” sexually and even about how they will orgasm in front of a partner.
Solution: Having an orgasm is about letting go of control but in a good way. Women that worry about passing control to another person should try to understand that the outcome will be all good...o so good in fact… and while your knees may feel weak, your thighs might shudder and your vaginal walls might contract, this my friend is what they call a result! The big O!

Reason #6 - Medical Issues/Side Effects

Some medical issues or drug/medication side effects can impact on one’s ability to orgasm and many people are affected by this so you’re not alone!
Solution: Seek out advice from a doctor that you’re comfortable talking to and explain what is happening and your concern that it might be having a negative influence on your sex life.

I Can’t Orgasm - You’re Not Alone!

So if you’re having difficulty orgasming, fret not as literally millions of other women are in the same boat as you are. Cosmopolitan recorded an interesting podcast on the topic… take a listen below! Hopefully with some practice and experimentation, it won’t be long before your toes are curling and you are frequenting the land of the Big O - good luck & enjoy!

Cosmopolitan Podcast “I’ve Never Had an Orgasm”